


And all the what-ifs

by ferowyn



Series: Hobbit Kink [12]
Category: The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: AU, Durincest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-01-13
Updated: 2013-01-13
Packaged: 2017-11-25 10:01:30
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,026
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/637712
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ferowyn/pseuds/ferowyn
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>What if you could go back in time, and relive one day, one hour, one moment?<br/>What if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?</p>
            </blockquote>





	And all the what-ifs

**Author's Note:**

> Written for the Hobbit Kink Meme Prompt:  
> http://hobbit-kink.livejournal.com/2235.html?thread=3497403#t4208571
> 
> Please excuse any mistakes, English is not my mother tongue
> 
> I hate myself for writing this

# And all the what-ifs

What if you could go back in time, and relive one day, one hour, one moment?  
Fili knows exactly where he would go, and he would not hesitate for one second.

What if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better? _(from Donnie Darko)_  
Kili knows exactly what he would do, he has been dreaming of it for all his life, knowing he would never have the chance to atone for his biggest mistake.

 

They are rolling on the floor, struggling to gain the upper hand. Fili laughs, and he feels the same movement, the same happiness rumbling in Kili’s chest. He is pinning the younger one to the floor, sitting on his hips, holding the black-haired dwarf’s hands in place over his head. He knows, soon Kili will be taller than him, though probably not stronger. He is a swordsman and the younger one an archer, that actually gives him a little advantage. Still, in a few years his brother will be able to get the better of him. He cannot bring himself to mind.

Kili is squirming and writhing, trying to free his body, and Fili enjoys his giggling when he tickles his sides. He has always loved spending time with his brother, more than with anybody else. He feels warm and fuzzy every time Kili touches him and the younger one can make him laugh no matter the mood he is in. Kili is his, he thinks, and is flooded by a wave of possessiveness at the thought of his brother being in the arms of someone else.

Seconds later he goes limp and it is only too easy for Kili to shake him off, a concerned expression darkening his soft features. “Fili?”

Fili does not dare to look at him. The sudden realisation what all this means hits him hard and he finds himself unable to move. He is shocked and – frankly – disgusted. How can he feel like that for his baby brother? If his mother should find out she is going to kill him. Aulë, if Thorin ever comes to know of his desires… He cannot help but shudder.

“Fili?” Kili asks again, his voice full of worry. “What’s the matter?”  
Now Fili recognizes the reason for the shiver running down his spine and the racing of his heart, caused by his brother’s voice. He gulps heavily. This cannot be happening! This has to be some cruel nightmare and when he wakes up everything will be fine.

But he does not wake up. Slowly he lifts his head and looks at Kili, but wills himself not to look into those eyes that have always managed to hold his gaze captured. “Nothing,” he mutters, forcing himself to smile. “I’m just tired. I’ll go to bed.” Horrified he thinks about the fact that they are sharing a big bed and what this means. How is he supposed to stand all this?

Oh, he wishes he could go back to the happiness he had felt seconds before his realisation. Everything had been okay then, perfect even. Now everything is lost.

 

“Fili?” Kili has spent many a day since his brother’s strange change in behaviour a few years ago trying to figure out what has happened, what he has done, and he only ever ends up asking the same questions, never getting a real answer. “What are you doing?”

He knows exactly what Fili is doing, thus he is rather asking “why?”

Long ago has he realized his true feelings for his brother, feelings that are unnatural and gross and _wrong_. They are siblings, there is no place for romantic love among them, but it is not like one could choose. Kili had been disgusted by himself, he still is, but he has come to terms with it. More or less. He has come to terms with the fact that he is going to be alone for the rest of his life. As long as his brother never finds out everything will be okay. It will be hard and it will hurt like hell, but he will survive it. He is going to be the supportive brother, the encouraging groomsman, the loving uncle. Because as long as Fili is happy he will be able to take any of that.

But he is not ready to let his brother go just yet, not today, not now, which is exactly the reason why he is standing in the doorway, watching the older one refurnish the room opposite the king’s quarters – they have spent the nights since retaking Erebor together in said quarters, but now Fili is moving out, threatening to slip even farther away.

The blond dwarf raises his eyebrows. “Making myself at home, what does it look like? After all this is our home. The home uncle has died for.” His voice is bitter and Kili tries not to think about the broken body of Thorin, covered in blood. The king had fallen protecting his and his brother’s life and he knows Fili feels the same guilt that is wrenching his own guts. What if they had turned around a second earlier? What if they had seen the orc in time? But no, their uncle is gone now and it is too late to help him.

Instead Kili tries to picture his brother with a crown on his golden hair, and he cannot help but smile at the thought. “You are going to be a great king,” he assures. “But you have not answered my question. Why are you moving out of our room?”

Fili gives him an uninterpretable look before returning to dusting the old cupboard. “It is hardly suitable for a king to share a room with his brother like a small child,” he answers coolly.

Kili barely manages not to let the hurt show. “You _are the king_ ,” he says “you can decide what’s suitable and what’s not.” Fili does not answer and then Kili simply leaves the room, giving up. He does not have the strength to fight now, not with his uncle’s death, with his grief. They will figure everything out later, when Erebor’s matters are arranged.

He does not know yet how much he will regret this decision later. What if he had not left?

 

_“Say something!”_

_Fili tenses before he turns around, slowly. “What do you want me to say?” he growls, eyes dark. His brother does not understand, he has _to move out, he can no longer share a room with him! Otherwise the younger one will find out, realize how he really feels for him, and probably hate him. He needs Kili to stand at his side when he ascends to the throne, he cannot do this alone. Losing him now is simply not an option, not with Thorin dead and him being the new King under the Mountain.__

__“Well, for a start you could tell my why you are really moving out, because I don’t believe you. We have been Durin’s heirs for all our lives and you have never given a crab about what others might think!”_ _

__Fili gulps, but forces himself to look at the younger one. Back then he had not woken up with a morning glory after sleeping in the same bed as his brother. Back then they had bathed together and he had never had the desire to look. Back then everything had been easy. “There is a difference between heir and king.” He flinches when he hears his brother’s fist hit the door._ _

__“Stop lying! You have not been honest since that one night years ago in Ered Luin” Fili forgets to breathe. How can Kili know? He has been so careful to hide his feelings as well as his little white lies! “and I do not know what this is all about, but what can it be? What can be so terrible that you can’t tell me?” Fili is incredibly relieved (his secret is still secret) but at the same time shocked to hear the tears in his brother’s voice. Making Kili cry is the last thing he wanted to do._ _

__“You don’t want to know,” he manages to mutter, turning to face the cupboard once more._ _

__“Yes, I do!” Kili yells. “I am your brother! You used to tell me everything! What happened to that? Don’t you trust me anymore?”_ _

__Fili’s iron control slips. Suddenly he is pinning the younger one against the door, their faces dangerously close, and he can feel the darkness surging through his veins. Kili looks a little scared, but he cannot care for that, not now. “You don’t know what you are talking about,” he growls, his voice deep and glowering and menacing and Kili winces. “Don’t ask for answers that will haunt you for the rest of your life.” No, this is no exaggeration. His feelings are haunting him._ _

__“I still want to know,” the younger one whispers bravely, although visibly frightened. “If it will haunt me, it must be haunting you, too. Let me help you, brother!”_ _

__As fast as he had grabbed his brother’s wrists, pressing his body against the old wood, as fast does he let go of him, increasing the space between them.  
“I don’t want you to hate me,” he admits._ _

 

What if you could go back in time, and relive one day, one hour, one moment?

Fili knows exactly where he would go, and he would not hesitate for one second.

He remembers those minutes, when he had been so blissfully unaware, those minutes that have been the best of his life as clearly as if it had only been yesterday. Of course he had not cherished the moment back then, not knowing that only an instant later everything would change and he would lose what he held so dear.

 

_“Why would I hate you?” Kili asks. As always._

_Fili does not answer. As always. He has been asking this question every day since his brother’s confession that he fears he might hate him, never getting an answer. A few weeks have passed since the older one’s attempt to move into another room and although the blond dwarf does not answer the question they are still sleeping in the same room, in the same bed. The distance that had come between them is still there, but it is shrinking. At least Kili is telling himself that it is._

_It is not easy to make sure Fili never finds out, not with him keeping asking those questions. The older one also demands answers whenever his behaviour is not really explainable, but he is already used to hiding his feelings and he can cope. Erebor is still in uproar, so many dwarves coming back and everybody making themselves at home; and Fili is the one who has to look after them. Kili is helping him, doing everything his brother asks for and more. It is chaotic and exhausting and difficult to say the least, but they are doing everything they can and they are doing it well. Middle Earth is already starting to respect the young King under the Mountain who manages to organise everything despite his youth and grief for his uncle._

_There is hardly time they can spend with each other and probably that is a good thing. Fili needs him and he is there for him. What else could he do – what more could he hope for?_

_However, the shared bed is starting to become a little problem. The bed is huge and they would not have to touch, but no matter how big the space between them when they fall asleep, exhausted – they keep waking up cuddling into each other. Not that he minds, but he fears his brother might find out what exactly so many of his dreams are about. He will have to take care of that soon._

_“Well, maybe you are going to tell me tomorrow,” he mutters, knowing that this is not going to happen, and crawls into the bed. He feels the lowering of the mattress when Fili also lies down. It does not take log until a skilled tongue is torturing him and he gives in to his desires as every night. He may not be able to have his brother in reality, but in his dreams there are no boundaries and no moral restraints keeping him from being happy._

 

What if you could go back in time, and take all those hours of pain and darkness and replace them with something better?

Kili knows exactly what he would do, he has been dreaming of it for all his life, knowing he would never have the chance to atone for his biggest mistake.

Not for one second has he forgotten the moment he had ruined everything, the decision – despaired, tired and barely considering everything as he may have been – that has taken his brother from him.

 

_Fili sighs. Being king is exhausting, being King under the Mountain even more so. He probably would not be eating anything were it not for Kili. He has no idea how his brother can be supporting him and taking care of so many of the matters he should be attending and still be looking after him. Impossible as it sounds, it makes his feelings for his brother increase. Kili is everything and he is everywhere and although he hates being king Fili could not be happier._

_He has never wanted this crown, but he has always known that one day he would be the one to wear and bear it. He had been born a prince and although being raised away from his kingdom, he had imbibed his love for and duty to Erebor with the mother’s milk. He had decided to enjoy his youth, be foolish and reckless as long as he was allowed to, and later he would do what he had to do. He had been okay with his destiny._

_However, never had he thought of the possibility that his uncle might die before he could be crowned and that he would have to rebuild the kingdom Thorin had, unlike him, once seen in its full glory._

_He knows he could not be doing this without Kili. He needs his brother more than ever and the younger one is always there, even before he can call him.  
Kili is everything._

_And although their distance had been growing for so long now it is shrinking again. He may be evading his brother’s questions and Kili may not be answering his own, but they are together. Nothing else matters._

 

Fili watches all the dwarf women in the room, trying to make his decision. He knows he has to give Erebor an heir, thus one of them will have to marry. He is well aware of the fact that his brother is not at all interested in committing himself and having children, so he has to do it. This is one of his many duties as a king and he will fulfil it, as he fulfils all of them. There is nobody he wants to lie with but Kili – and Kili is impossible to have. He will do what needs to be done as he always does. His heart and soul may be crying out for his brother. He can deal with that.

For nearly a hundred years has he been ruling Erebor now, and the dwarves love him, but they want – they _need_ – a prince. Fili’s eyes settle on a dark-haired dwarven lass, young and pretty and clearly resembling Kili, but that is all he can have. He asks for her name and courts her, trying to ignore the pain in his brother’s eyes when he shuts him out of his life even more.

“Let me help you,” Kili is saying. “Let me bring her flowers in your name and let me be the groomsman.” He cannot let him be part of this, though, because that would be too much.

Fili clenches his fists. What if his brother had struck up a relationship with a dwarf who looked like him? What would _he_ have done?

 

_Kili has to admit he is feeling really guilty. Guilty towards all the girls he is taking into his bed, although feeling nothing for them, and guilty towards Fili. He feels like he is betraying the older one, which is ridiculous (how could he be betraying him if they are not even a couple?) but that does not change anything about it. The girls are all young and blond and have pretty moustaches. It is painfully obvious why he chooses them, but nobody seems to have found out so far._

_He knows it is risky. What if somebody_ does _realize why he is doing this? However, all these amorous escapades have an undeniable benefit: His dreams have stopped. He may miss them, but Fili not finding out about his feelings is totally worth that._

_He is currently amusing himself with a sweet young blonde (although she has no moustache) in a hidden chamber when suddenly, without knocking, Fili runs into the room. “Kili, could you-” he stops dead mid-sentence, his eyes darting over Kili’s body and he catches the older one looking a little bit too long at certain body parts of his. “This is repulsive!” The king’s expression is murderous and he whips around and stomps off, slamming the door shut._

_Kili is dumbstruck and really hurt, but after a few seconds struggles to put his clothes back on, ignoring the girl’s disappointment. “Sorry, I have to go find him,” he mutters, not even looking at her. “It was very nice with you.”_

_Then he has left the room, too, trying to forget his brother’s words._

 

Kili is crying his eyes out.

His brother is gone now. He has lost the older one to a woman and he knows he will never get him back. Probably he should look for a wife as well, pretend to be happy, but he cannot bring himself to do that. What could any girl give him?  
Another sob escapes his lips.

The wedding had been beautiful, everything a young couple could dream of, and definitely worthy of the King under the Mountain and his Queen. The brother of the king gnashes his teeth, trying to ban the word _queen_ from his vocabulary. Thinking about everything this title carries with it hurts too much to bear.

He has vowed to be whatever his brother needed him to be – and he was. Today he had smiled, celebrating the groom and the bride, supporting Fili in every imaginable way. He had learned to play his part and everybody had bought his act. He had gulped the tears back whenever they had threatened to ruin everything, but now? There was no way to stay calm. Not with Fili and his _Queen_ enjoying their wedding night just across the hall.

Nice happy supportive Kili would be back tomorrow, but tonight he would mourn the fact that he had finally lost his brother, never daring to say the words that – _maybe_ – could have held him.

All the what-ifs are eating him up, but it is too late, he has lost. The only thing he can find comfort in is that dream, that dream about how it might have been had he just done everything differently.

 

_Fili wants to destroy something or even better – kill somebody. Preferably Kili’s bed bunny. He knows, he will not be able to explain his fury to his brother, thus he has to calm down before the younger one finds him and he knows the black-haired dwarf well enough to be aware that Kili will already be looking for him._

_He really regrets his words. Seriously –_ repulsive _? If anyone is repulsive then it is him, he who loves his brother, his sibling. Kili will demand answers, answers he cannot give him. Maybe by now he could survive without him, maybe by now he could manage to rule Erebor alone, but losing his brother would mean losing everything. And dwarves are known to be greedy._

_He runs for one of the training halls, dismissing the warriors who have been working out there. He needs to be alone now._

_Only five minutes later he feels an intense gaze in his back and he does not have to turn around to know that it is Kili. He decides to ignore him and keeps practising his moves, leading his swords in a deadly dance. He manages to lose himself in the concentration and thus does not hear his brother coming, but suddenly his body is pressed against a wall and a dagger is touching the skin of his throat._

_“Talk. Now.” Kili’s voice is a low, dangerous growl. “I’m sick of your lies and excuses.”_

_Fili squirms. He knows, his brother would never hurt him, but obviously he is really mad. “I’m sorry,” he mutters, closing his eyes. “I didn’t mean it!”_

_“You didn’t mean what? The repulsive-part or all the lies? Or that you told me I was important to you? Or that you told me you needed me? Or that you told me you were so thankful for all my help? Or that you told me I was your best and only friend?”_

_Fili winces. “No… that was all true, except for the insult. I lost myself. I’m sorry!”_

_“Yes, of course you are,” Kili growls. “How am I supposed to know what you mean like you say it and what not? There has been a time when I could have understood everything the right way, no matter how you said it. But that is long gone. What has happened? What has happened to us, brother?” Suddenly there are tears in his eyes and the dagger is no longer threatening to cut Fili’s throat. Kili is shaking and he turns away abruptly, slumping to the ground._

_Fili clenches his fists. He has hurt him yet again. “I,” he answers, kneeling down next to his brother and wrapping his arms around the trembling shoulders. “I am what’s happened.”_

 

Fili loves children. There are way too few dwarf children, but the ones that are living in Erebor are brightening up every place they go. He has always wanted a son and a daughter, though that would have been impossible with Kili. He had said goodbye to this dream long ago, the second he had fallen for his brother.

Now however… now his wife is standing in front of him, beaming, telling him she is with child.

She knows that he does not love her, that there is somebody else he has given his heart to, but she does not mind. Their marriage has nothing to do with feelings, but with a king’s duty towards his country.

She understands. And she is happy, for by now they have become really good friends. Fili is quite sure she even suspects who it is that he loves, but she never says anything about it and he is very grateful for that.

And now – now she is telling him that she is carrying his son, his heir. He has gotten something to look forward to, something that will be worth all the loneliness and heartache. He is going to be a father. What more could he ask for?

 

_It is too much. Kili feels like he is going to burst, or to simply stop breathing. Obviously Fili has not found out about his feelings yet, but if he already thinks of him as repulsive - what would he say if he found out Kili loves him?_

_He wants the lies and excuses to stop, he_ needs _them to stop. He has to find out what he has done to make his brother insult him like that (true as his words may be) and he cannot accept subterfuges, not this time. Not when his brother is disgusted by him and he does not know the reason for that._

 _Kili knows, he could never hurt Fili, but that does not mean he cannot threaten to do so. After all he is already_ repulsive _.  
However, his pretended anger and self-confidence fade away much too quickly and suddenly he is crying. Ashamed he turns, not wanting the one he loves to see his tears. “What has happened to us, brother?” The one question that has been plaguing him for years now._

_He breaks down and decides to go hide himself, preferably for days and weeks, until his brother has forgotten that he hates him and he is strong enough to be whoever his king needs him to be. Then there are arms around his shoulders and Fili’s lips next to his ear, whispering “I am what’s happened” and he is close, too close, but Kili cannot bring himself to back away._

_His brother’s words startle him and before thinking about it he looks up, staring at his brother, tear-streaked as he is. “What?”_

_Now it is Fili who has to look away. “I… I distanced myself. All of this is my mistake. Forgive me.”_

_Kili feels the relief wash through his body. They are finally talking and Fili does not hate him. What more could he ask for?_

 

Kili is holding the tiny fingers in his own, admiring his nephew. The baby is incredibly cute and he gulps. This boy – the prince – is Fili’s son. It does not matter that the boy’s mother is everything he graves to be, for his father is the person he loves and he knows, he will be spoiling this child terribly. He can love that little person for carrying a part of Fili in him and nobody will ever be suspicious. This is the closest he will be able to get to his brother and he will make sure he takes this chance.

 

_“I will forgive you,” Kili smiles hesitantly and Fili wants to sigh with relief “if you tell me the reason for it.” Damn._

_“I already told you that you would hate me.”_

_There is something in Kili’s eyes, something Fili cannot quite place, but it is strong and powerful and it makes him believe the younger one’s words, although he should know better. “I could never hate you.”_

_Fili feels his heart race. He knows if he does not tell Kili truth now he will lose him. And if he is honest he might lose him as well. He needs to make a final decision and he needs to make it now. “Don’t interrupt me.”_

_“I won’t,” Kili answers, looking at him, smiling._

_“I…I am in love with you,” he blurts out quickly before the little courage he has managed to scrape up can leave him, not giving his brother much chance to interrupt him._

_Kili’s eyes widen and his face is lit up by a beaming smile. “That is no reason to hate you,” he says “would be pretty hypocritical if I did.”_

_It takes Fili a few moments before he understands the meaning of his brother’s words. He feels a heavy weight being lifted off his soul. “Maybe we should continue this conversation in our rooms?” he suggests. He does not know where this is going to lead and he most definitely does not want his subjects to find out anything they are not supposed to know._

_Kili nods and they leave the training hall, returning to their quarters, and there is a swing in both their steps that has not been there for years._

 

He is still dreaming that particular dream, old and worn as he might be. It is one of the few things that can make Fili smile in these days, now that his wife is dead and Kili is secluding himself more and more. What-ifs are cruel, but this particular one? It could have been true. This is not only a stupid fantasy, this is what he could have had.

 

_Kili knows there is a stupid smile on his lips, it has been there all the time on their way back to their quarters, but he cannot bring himself to care. He does not smile often enough as it is (actually some of the dwarvish women they had passed had looked like they were going to faint – ridiculous!). Now they are sitting on the bed. Neither of them has dared saying anything yet, but Kili is completely content with staring at his brother, finally free to do so._

_“I… did I understand you correctly? You feel the same?” Fili still seems to be insecure._

_“Yes, I do. I fell for you many years ago and I thought you would despise me if you ever found out,” he admits, still smiling stupidly._

_The king bites his bottom lip. “And I called you repulsive,” he mutters, clearly mad at himself. “That must have really hurt you! Besides, if anyone of us is hypocritical it would be me, insulting you like that.”_

_Kili cocks his head. He feels incredibly light. “We can be repulsive together,” he offers and this time Fili smiles, too._

_“That sounds like a great idea.” The blond dwarf starts to move towards him, but stops himself._

_“What?”_

_“I… I want to kiss you, but… I never… and I’m not sure… and this… it’s still strange… and you-”_

_Suddenly Kili is sitting on his lap, hands cupping his brother’s face, their foreheads touching. “I’m afraid, too,” he confesses. “Let’s just… try, okay?”_

_Fili nods and Kili lets his lips approach the older one’s ever-so-slowly, his heart beating painfully fast and hard. This is strange indeed (They are still_ brothers _!) and scary, but Kili has been dreaming of this moment for more than hundred years now._

_He knows it is not going to be easy. Their relationship will always be somewhat odd and forbidden and they will have to keep it secret, but everything is going to be fine. With Fili at his side there is nothing he cannot do._

_He has finally gotten what he had desired for so long._

 

Kili smiles sadly. By now he knows that Fili will not run away if he tells him how he truly feels, that he will not be disgusted, that he will not push him away. They are dreaming the same dream, he knows it. Still, he keeps his love a secret. They have spent the better part of their lives wasting their time and if he should find out now that his brother felt the same for so many years he is not sure he could take it. So many hours they could have spent together, so much they have thrown away… Imagining what could have been hurts, and apart from that one dream he refuses to think about it.

All the what-ifs are way too painful for an old dwarf who is regretting most of all the decisions he has ever made.

 

_Kili is sitting in front of the fireplace, leaning his head on Fili’s shoulder, their fingers entwined. “Being old sucks.”_

_Fili chuckles lowly, planting a tender kiss on the grey hair. “I remember a time when you only ever had wanted to be older…”_

_“Yes, older, but not ancient!” Kili turns his head, brushes his lips against his brother’s._

_The older one smiles affectionately. “I like it. I know that my life was full of happiness and riches, full of you. There is nothing to regret.”_

_Kili nods slowly. “You are right. There is nothing to regret. We had great lives and you were a great monarch. And now that Dain’s son is King under the Mountain we are freed from all our duties.”_

_“Indeed we are. We are free to go.”_

_They share a last, tender kiss, never closing their eyes, looking at each other the whole time. “I will be waiting for you,” Fili murmurs._

_Kili smiles. “Who knows, maybe I’ll be waiting for you?”_

_“It doesn’t mind. Neither of us will have to wait long.” Then they lean their heads against each other’s and let the darkness take them away._

 

Fili leans his head against the cold wall of their old bedroom. It is silent and dark, the flame of the single candle he had brought having gone out hours ago. It is only fair that everything will end here, where it has started. In that very room where he had realized his feelings for his brother. The old king sighs. It had been stupid and overly melodramatic to return to the Blue Mountains secretly, having left in the dead of night when he had felt his time had come.

His hair and beard are white as snow and he feels his age whenever he moves a muscle. He is stiff and everything hurts, but that is okay. In a few hours he will be young again. There is not much strength left in his once so strong body – the body of a warrior. The body of the King under the Mountain, most respected dwarf Lord of them all.

Maybe, if he had done everything different – maybe he would be dying happy. Maybe Kili would be at his side.

But, fact is – everything has happened and can no longer be changed. He dreams of the silence and peace that are awaiting him. His eldest son had been coroneted years ago, no one would blame him if he left now. He had filled his duty, as king, as husband and as father. Only as a brother has he failed, but it is too late to make up for that.

He cannot stop the questions, though.

_What if I had never realized?_  
What if I had not backed away?  
What if I had looked him in the eye, letting him see everything?  
What if I had told him?  
What if he would not have minded at all?  
What if he feels the same?  
What if we could have had a relationship?  
What if we had kept it hidden?  
What if I had never married?  
What if… 

Finally the questions plaguing him start to subside, until nothing is left in his head and he closes his eyes in peace. It is too late for what-ifs.

 

Kili knows. He feels it in his bones and his head and his heart. His vision goes blurry and his eyes hurt and he bites his bottom lip until it is bleeding. The older one may be hiding, but their bond is way too strong for him not to know. The second Fili’s heart stops beating his own starts to splutter, too. There are tears in his eyes, but not because his brother has left this world. He knows that he will not have to carry his brother to his grave, there is nothing holding him here with Fili gone. He simply regrets not having been there in his beloved one’s last minutes, not having been there for him.

Well, it is too late to regret that now. Even if he started running immediately (something that would not be easy considering the state of his joints, but he would do it, if that gave him any chance of holding his brother for the last time), even if he found the older one’s hideout within seconds – he would be too late, it is already over. But no, there is no reason for regretting for has regretted so much in his life and he does not want to spend his last hours dwelling on even more dark memories. He has spent all his life pondering over what-ifs, now it is time to leave that all behind.

He simply lies down and closes his eyes, waiting for the darkness to claim him with a small smile on his lips.

He will be reunited with Fili in the halls of waiting and when they see each other he will say everything he has not dared to say in life. This time he will be doing everything right. This time he will not let him go, and he will tell him that he loves him the second he sees him. This time everything will be fine and there will be no need to lose himself in all the what-ifs.


End file.
